Jealousy

There’s an empty bed space beside me

And it’s filling me with a storm

Of all the things I hate to feel

But too often feel them anyway

Chief among them is a monster

Green in hue, vindictive in nature

Its name is a word I loathe to utter

Jealousy

 

I have vowed to fight back

To keep the monster in its cage

Lock it and throw away the key

Bury it in the deepest depths of the ocean

So it can’t cut me with its claws

But saying is easier than doing

So here I am, alone tonight

And I’m stewing in bad thoughts

The monster has consumed me

 

I’m jealous of my bedmate

Because the man she’s with is a gem

His mind is keen

His soul is deep

He’s funny smart and kind

It didn’t take long into spending so much time together

For me to see myself with him

But before anything could brew,

He got a taste of her

They rolled ‘round in the sheets

And so that’s that, I’m out

 

I’m jealous of the man

Because my bedmate is a drug

One I took a hit of early on

And have been hooked on ever since

She’s sexier than anyone I’ve ever known

Her spirit is a flame that sets me on fire

She is the essence of cool

A cool that pulls me in like a magnet,

Or perhaps more like a tornado

 

So knowing they’re together

While feebly trying to distract myself

Is torture.

Heat is rising through my veins

All the thoughts I’ve had before

Vicious accusations against my bedmate

Are swirling in my head

Thoughts of anger

Borne of

Jealousy

 

She’s a skank,

She moves from person to person to suit her convenience

Just to have a body, just for the attention

She throws around her affections

With no regard to those she gives them to

No thought to what it means to them

 

No, that’s not what I think

That’s the monster’s doing

They were my thoughts once and again

But I’ve dismissed them, after talking to her twice

I can’t assume to truly know her motivations

And she says she does care about me

There’s too much good in her for that to not be true

And I know I’m just as flirty, in my own way

So I’d probably do the same, if it was as easy for me

I’ve got a mild case of “hate her cause I ain’t her”

 

I know that it shouldn’t have any bearing on me

I know that he’s not looking for a relationship

And he’s the kind of guy I’d want that with

Not the kind I can just love for fun and leave it there

I know I’m not even the leave it there type

At least not at this point in my life

I know I want someone who sees me and only me

 

And neither he nor she is that person

 

I know that as much as I desire her

And long for her attention

She’s not the long term answer I’ve been seeking

I’d probably do anythingwith her in the sheets

But not very much in the streets

 

They’ve promised to keep it casual

They’ve promised to be respectful

They went to a different room

it’s not in front of my face

 

So why do I care?

 

I care because that’s me.

I overthink, I overreact

I’m neurotic to the core

But mostly I care because of that monster

The monster who follows me closer than my shadow

Jealousy

 

It is the bane of my existence

I hate it with every fiber of my being

I’ve prepared an arsenal to take it out

I’m armed with self awareness, determination, need

Yet all of that is useless

Since I don’t seem to have strength of mind

No matter what I do, I just can’t win

I can’t vanquish this monster

To secure my happy ending

I’m simply at a loss

 

I won’t give up the war

I’m just tired from the fight

I don’t think I’ve won this battle

But with keys and a screen and these words

I think I have realized one small piece of victory I can obtain

With this computer as my witness

I vow that even if I can’t quiet the monster

Jealousy

 

I will at least defeat its minions

Anger, Spite, Hate, Annoyance

 

In the morn, when my bedmate has returned and I later see the man

I won’t be the one to make it weird

I won’t joke, I won’t stare, I won’t turn my back

I’ll remember our friendship, the honest words we shared

I’ll remember all the reasons why I shouldn’t care

And I will shout them loud enough

So that the voice of the master, the monster

Is drowned out in the noise

 

The monster haunts me

But one day, someday, Lord let it be soon,

It will no longer control me, it will simply disappear

Til that time, I’ll keep it in its cage.

The only place for a monster of its name

Jealousy

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