False Alarm

All red dress with the devil eyes (she loves)
So obsessed with the camera lights (she loves)
You love her, but you can’t deny (she loves)
The truth, the truth

She loves everybody
Can’t you tell by the signs?
She loves everybody
She gets off all the time
It’s a dark philosophy
And it haunts her constantly
It’s a false alarm to me
She’s a false alarm
                – The Weekend
You begin a journey
not knowing what to expect, but knowing what you hope to find
then one day early on
you meet someone. something happens
you think you’ve found a treasure
even better than you imagined
it’s a pleasant surprise
your spirit soars
your heart is giddy
you’ve stumbled across an adventure
a best friend. a crush.
a gem you think will be the best part of the journey you are on
then slowly, ever slowly
something changes
the diamond in the ruff
begins to chip and scuff
the excitement wanes
your view starts to change
as a crush, it never was
by a friend, a crush is stolen
you begin to wonder if the treasure isn’t merely trash
dressed in pretty colors
with a coat of shiny jewels to distract from the truth
and the more you wonder
the more you think you know
and the more you think you know
the more you begin to see
fast forward some time down the line
and you realize that gift
is really just a curse
you’ve been poisoned
by a devil
with an angel face
and you know others have seen the light as well
and they too have been left behind in dust, for dead
and you wonder why the rest don’t see it too
and wish you could make them understand
before they get sucked in too far as well
and when it seems they’ll never end up like you
it’s even harder to bear
why was I blinded?
Why was my blindfold lifted? Why wasn’t theirs?
you begin wishing you could go back to the dark
back down the hole
to the time of smoke and mirrors
before you knew the magician’s trick
the con artist’s secret
the story’s end
and you realize
the surprise you were so happy to find
was a false alarm
your spirit sinks
your heart is crushed
instead of the best thing about your journey,
it’s the thing that makes you wish you never left home
the thing you struggle to get past
so the experience isn’t ruined
yet there’s nothing you can do
you’ll never escape the scar
of that twisted, untimely, cruel
false alarm
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Obsession

Dark thoughts have consumed me for weeks

ive blamed it on one demon

a green monster under my bed

but I’ve come to see there’s more

the monster is the anchor which drags me under

but it’s another beast who throws me into the water knowing I’ll drown

this beast is the reason I can’t think of anyone but her

Why anger rises in me

whenever she laughs at someone else’s joke

whenever her irresistible flirtation falls on someone else’s ears

Whenever her intoxicating touch is felt by another

it’s why the monster stirs from slumber

to consume me and turn me me into a monster like him

whom others dislike and I myself despise

the beast is why one day I hate her

the next, all I want is our limbs intertwined as we fall asleep side by side

this beast and its minions have ruined our relationship

she’s not completely innocent

no one ever is in a game for two

but the beast makes everything  worse

and its got me locked in a forever battle with the monster, it’s right hand man

as long as that war continues

I’ll never find peace

the peace I need for her to want me

but I fear only her wanting me will bring me the peace I seek

so I’ll stay here

in a hamster cage

running from a monster

and the beast it serves

 

 

Jealousy

There’s an empty bed space beside me

And it’s filling me with a storm

Of all the things I hate to feel

But too often feel them anyway

Chief among them is a monster

Green in hue, vindictive in nature

Its name is a word I loathe to utter

Jealousy

 

I have vowed to fight back

To keep the monster in its cage

Lock it and throw away the key

Bury it in the deepest depths of the ocean

So it can’t cut me with its claws

But saying is easier than doing

So here I am, alone tonight

And I’m stewing in bad thoughts

The monster has consumed me

 

I’m jealous of my bedmate

Because the man she’s with is a gem

His mind is keen

His soul is deep

He’s funny smart and kind

It didn’t take long into spending so much time together

For me to see myself with him

But before anything could brew,

He got a taste of her

They rolled ‘round in the sheets

And so that’s that, I’m out

 

I’m jealous of the man

Because my bedmate is a drug

One I took a hit of early on

And have been hooked on ever since

She’s sexier than anyone I’ve ever known

Her spirit is a flame that sets me on fire

She is the essence of cool

A cool that pulls me in like a magnet,

Or perhaps more like a tornado

 

So knowing they’re together

While feebly trying to distract myself

Is torture.

Heat is rising through my veins

All the thoughts I’ve had before

Vicious accusations against my bedmate

Are swirling in my head

Thoughts of anger

Borne of

Jealousy

 

She’s a skank,

She moves from person to person to suit her convenience

Just to have a body, just for the attention

She throws around her affections

With no regard to those she gives them to

No thought to what it means to them

 

No, that’s not what I think

That’s the monster’s doing

They were my thoughts once and again

But I’ve dismissed them, after talking to her twice

I can’t assume to truly know her motivations

And she says she does care about me

There’s too much good in her for that to not be true

And I know I’m just as flirty, in my own way

So I’d probably do the same, if it was as easy for me

I’ve got a mild case of “hate her cause I ain’t her”

 

I know that it shouldn’t have any bearing on me

I know that he’s not looking for a relationship

And he’s the kind of guy I’d want that with

Not the kind I can just love for fun and leave it there

I know I’m not even the leave it there type

At least not at this point in my life

I know I want someone who sees me and only me

 

And neither he nor she is that person

 

I know that as much as I desire her

And long for her attention

She’s not the long term answer I’ve been seeking

I’d probably do anythingwith her in the sheets

But not very much in the streets

 

They’ve promised to keep it casual

They’ve promised to be respectful

They went to a different room

it’s not in front of my face

 

So why do I care?

 

I care because that’s me.

I overthink, I overreact

I’m neurotic to the core

But mostly I care because of that monster

The monster who follows me closer than my shadow

Jealousy

 

It is the bane of my existence

I hate it with every fiber of my being

I’ve prepared an arsenal to take it out

I’m armed with self awareness, determination, need

Yet all of that is useless

Since I don’t seem to have strength of mind

No matter what I do, I just can’t win

I can’t vanquish this monster

To secure my happy ending

I’m simply at a loss

 

I won’t give up the war

I’m just tired from the fight

I don’t think I’ve won this battle

But with keys and a screen and these words

I think I have realized one small piece of victory I can obtain

With this computer as my witness

I vow that even if I can’t quiet the monster

Jealousy

 

I will at least defeat its minions

Anger, Spite, Hate, Annoyance

 

In the morn, when my bedmate has returned and I later see the man

I won’t be the one to make it weird

I won’t joke, I won’t stare, I won’t turn my back

I’ll remember our friendship, the honest words we shared

I’ll remember all the reasons why I shouldn’t care

And I will shout them loud enough

So that the voice of the master, the monster

Is drowned out in the noise

 

The monster haunts me

But one day, someday, Lord let it be soon,

It will no longer control me, it will simply disappear

Til that time, I’ll keep it in its cage.

The only place for a monster of its name

Jealousy

Rain

People hide from the rain

I run into it, arms wide open

Face to the sky, silently asking for all it has to offer

Running in the rain is exhilarating

It’s freedom

It’s courage

It’s nourishment

For the spirit

For the soul

For the heart

It’s cleansing

It’s inspiring

It’s rejuvenating

Rain is beautiful

Why hide from a beautiful thing?

Run to beauty

Run into the rain

Desire

Desire is a powerful thing

It’s faster and thus fiercer than love

It hits us like a tidal wave

Borne of seemingly nothing

We drown in it

We may struggle against it but we revel in it too

Love is often slow

It grows stronger with each new layer peeled from the other person

Desire doesn’t require time.

It thrives in immediacy

It’s the beat your heart skips when someone makes you do a double take

It’s the flush in your cheeks at someone’s touch

It’s the breath you can’t catch when they’re near

It’s the undivided attention you give them when they speak

It can happen in a week, a day, a moment

Desire isn’t planning a life with someone

It’s being consumed by someone in the now

It’s not wishing for them to meet all your closest people

It’s wishing you were the only two people in the room

It’s not wanting to lay a framework for the future

It’s wanting to lay them on a bed and fuck till you bust a bed frame

It’s not making love in a meadow

It’s fucking like a hurricane

Love is a soothing ocean breeze

Desire is a raging fire

Love lasts

Desire may be fleeting, but that only makes it stronger

It may leave as fast as it comes

So it’s all about the now

We’d kill to be desired

And kill for those we desire

It can make us lose our heads, forget our hearts

Sometimes it’s worth the sacrifice, sometimes it’s not

Desire cares not about potential casualties

It’s a ruthless force

A brutal leader

It can deliver a shocking feeling of triumph

Or a paralyzing blow, the agony of defeat

But no matter what, we’ll keep coming back for more

Because we desire all that is desire

Cool

A lifetime of uncool

But suddenly, that’s changed

Here in a service program, around 18-24 year olds,

I’ve captured that elusive, secret world

Of cool

I’m on the team everyone wants to be on

I’m friends with everyone

I know about all the party plans

I’m part of all the crazy escapades

People look at me — maybe the whole squad — in awe

I’ve shaved my hair

I walk around with an air of importance

Someone even said we’re the best looking team

I am cool.

I’ve been soaking in the feeling

Of a dream long chased finally achieved

It’s enchanting, intoxicating

I’m the happiest I’ve been, in heaven

But recently, I’ve come back down to earth.

I’ve been wondering what makes someone cool.

Am I still me?

Do I want to be cool?

Yesterday the uncool me of 24 years

Wanted to go to a campus dance

But the new, cool me went to a bar instead

It was fun, so I don’t regret it

But did I ignore the real me?

My best friend here is the epitome of cool

The hottest girl around

As her friend I enjoy runoff cool points, the attention

But am I living in her shadow, playing second fiddle?

Can I handle that?

I would never want to lose this feeling of being cool

But I can’t help wondering

Is cool me really me?

Is it reality?

What is cool?

Confused

We had a night a week ago

Where we basically showed our cards

You showered me in the sweetest words

And in that state of sugar high

I told you I was putty in your hands

Maybe it was just implications but I’m sure you got the point

Yet that night now seems like a dream

Did it ever really happen?

Or is it a wine-warped memory, maybe just a fantasy?

 

Since that fleeting moment where we held hands and swapped flirtatious sparks

There’s been similar moments but none so severe, so surreal

And their number have fallen in recent days.

Perhaps the novelty is wearing off

Perhaps you’re growing weary of my loquacity

Or perhaps it’s like my friend believes, and to you it’s all a game

And you’re busy with other players.

I know she’s probably right.

You have two current lovers from a previous life, more in the further past

And you have another lover here.

 

He’s not as deeply under your spell as me, maybe that’s his advantage.

I don’t know who I’m more jealous of.

He who has the affections of a wild, free spirit with unparalleled beauty inside and out

Or you who has the attentions of an incomparably intelligent, kind hearted crusader

Ah what true suffering it is to yearn for two people,

to have neither while they have each other.

 

Either way it’s torture being near you but torture to be without

I know it’s probably a twisted game

I know I should forget it

But I am powerless to remove myself from the board

I just can’t walk away

I want you like a bee wants honey

I want to taste your lips

Tell me how to get there,

Or if you even still care

Let’s hit that higher level

Or at least return to that night a week ago

The night of sweet nothings and tender touches

That maybe never happened.